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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28153482">Derek Hale Is Not Your Vampire Bride</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliopeShipsIt/pseuds/KaliopeShipsIt'>KaliopeShipsIt</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teen Wolf (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Minor reference to lingerie kink, Stiles and Derek get kidnapped by a vampire, Stiles has a kink list, Vampires, inspired by the total crackfest that is Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:21:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,637</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28153482</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliopeShipsIt/pseuds/KaliopeShipsIt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"At long last, I have found you again! My lost love! My one true love! My Elisabeta!”</p><p>Stiles snorted.</p><p>"Yeah. That doesn’t look like Derek at all! In fact, that is a cut-out from a 1950s women's wear catalog!”</p><p> </p><p>Or: the one where Derek and Stiles get kidnapped by a vampire who's really feeling his Francis Ford Coppola fantasy and has decided that Derek is the reincarnation of his long-lost bride. Movie quotes and shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>286</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Derek Hale Is Not Your Vampire Bride</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My Lovelies!</p><p>It's been a hot second since the muse kissed me with a plot bunny that ISN'T Derek!mpreg, but I recently watched Francis Ford Coppola's "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and had a LOT of thoughts about it. </p><p>Admittedly, most of those thoughts were about the flower symbolism, the blatant sexism, the goofy sunglasses, and the fact that there's no way Wynona Ryder and Keanu Reeve's characters didn't immediately get divorced after returning from Transylvania, but as I was pondering all of these important issues, a stray thought popped into my head and said: "Derek Hale would be so offended about this movie."</p><p>After that, this story pretty much wrote itself. </p><p>Enjoy, my lovelies.</p><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Wolf or the script of the majestic crack that is Francis Ford Coppola's "Bram Stoker's Dracula"</p><p>Also: I do not consent to any of my stuff being put on Goodreads or any other such site.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I have crossed oceans of time to find you!”</p><p>The vampire panted softly, his head craned back, his eyes blood red, and his white fangs elongated and glistening in the candlelight that illuminated the abandoned shack in the middle of the preserves.</p><p>He was wearing black pants, a black shirt, and a billowing red cape with golden embroidery, his dark brown hair long, curly, and reaching all the way down to his back.</p><p>He leaned forward, his pale hand gliding up his victim’s throat and tilting his head to the side with a clawed finger.</p><p>Then, he gasped, turning away with a dramatic grimace.</p><p>“No! I love you too much to condemn you!”</p><p>His victim scowled.</p><p>Hard.</p><p>“For the <em>last</em> time! You can’t turn me! You literally cannot turn me! My body can <em>heal</em>!”</p><p>“Do you believe in <em>destiny</em>?” the vampire breathed, completely ignoring the exasperated man who was currently strapped to the chaise lounge in front of him.</p><p>“The luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds <em>true love</em>! At long last, I have found you again! My lost love! My one true love! My Elisabeta!”</p><p>He pulled a faded picture from the depths of his red cape, its edges worn as if it had been held and caressed for centuries.</p><p>From the other side of the room, the vampire’s second captive let out a snort.</p><p>“Yeah, that doesn’t look like Derek <em>at all</em>!”</p><p>He squinted, humming thoughtfully.</p><p>“In fact, that is a cut-out from a 1950s women’s wear catalog!”</p><p>“Silence!” the vampire roared, jumping up from the chaise lounge and marching towards Stiles, who was bound to an armchair and raising his eyebrows mockingly.</p><p>The vampire snarled, looking deeply offended.</p><p>“I have risen from my own death to avenge hers with all the powers of darkness!”</p><p>Stiles rolled his eyes, squinting at the picture once more.</p><p>“Dude, seriously. That lady is blonde! Do you really think Derek here could pull off blonde? Also, I'm pretty sure she's still alive! I think I know her, actually! Her name’s Deborah and she’s a sweet little lady who plays bingo over at the community center every Wednesday! You should go check her out! She’s definitely single and ready to mingle!”</p><p>The vampire hissed in outrage, his eyes turning from dark red to black as he loomed over Stiles.</p><p>“Silence, insolent child! You are but a drop in the vast ocean of time and I shall listen to you no more!”</p><p>“Stiles,” Derek said warningly from across the room, shooting the human a reproachful glare.</p><p>Stiles sighed.</p><p>“Alright, alright. Continue. Oceans of time, go!”</p><p>The vampire growled.</p><p>“Do <em>not</em> mock me! I am the monster that breathing men would kill! Be grateful that my undead heart is filled with joy over the return of my long-lost love, or else I should tear you apart limb from limb for your <em>insolence!</em>”</p><p>He whirled around and hurried back to the chaise lounge, his eyes shifting from black to red once more.</p><p>“Beloved! Do not fear me!”</p><p>Derek didn’t reply, but his eyebrows impressively communicated that he was the opposite of afraid and had, indeed, never judged someone as hard before in his life.</p><p>The vampire clearly didn’t speak eyebrow, however, as evidenced by his besotted expression as he patted Derek’s cheek.</p><p>“I would never hurt you, my beloved! I swear on the grave of my long-lost bride that I, Count Niculae Vasile Vladislav, will personally assure that no harm will ever again befall my sweet, beautiful bride!”</p><p>The vampire flung out his arms dramatically, his red cape billowing and almost smacking Derek in the nose.</p><p>Derek growled, throwing an exasperated glare towards the other side of the room when Stiles could barely muffle his snort.</p><p>The vampire scowled jealously and crossed his arms over his chest, stepping to the side so he could block Stiles from Derek’s view.</p><p>Then, he flashed Derek a besotted smile once more.</p><p>“My beautiful bride! My beloved! Your hair is soft like the fur of the children of the night! Your eyes are the color of the woods surrounding my majestic castle at the dawn of light! Your body moves like the stream that flows underneath the tower from whence my poor beloved flung herself to her death!”</p><p>He traced a finger across Derek’s cheek, looking down at him through hooded eyes.</p><p>“My bride! At long last, I have found my bride!”</p><p>Derek cleared his throat.</p><p>“Uh...listen. I'm...uh...flattered? But I’m not your bride, alright? In fact, I’m already ma...”</p><p>“Would you like something to drink? You must be parched!” the vampire interrupted hastily, cupping Derek’s face with two cold hands and smushing his cheeks so that he couldn’t talk.  </p><p>“What is it that your precious heart desires? A glorious nectar? A decadent ambrosia? Alas, I am afraid I am not prepared. You see...I never drink...<em>wine</em>!”</p><p>There was another muffled snort from across the room and the vampire’s eyes twitched in annoyance, though he once again didn’t let Derek out of his sight as he began rummaging in his cape.</p><p>“Aha!” he crowed triumphantly, pulling out a green little bottle and waving it in front of Derek enthusiastically.</p><p>“Absinthe is the aphrodisiac of the self! The green fairy who lives in absinthe wants your soul! But you are safe with me!”</p><p>He reached under the chaise lounge, followed by the sound of a soft click and the whirring noises of a machine.</p><p>A moment later, green smoke started wafting from below the chaise lounge and the vampire nodded in satisfaction, turning his attention back to his seriously unimpressed captive and pulling out a garment made of satin from his cape.</p><p>“A gift for my beloved bride!” he announced, holding up the garment and revealing it to be a very red, very see-through, and very risqué satin negligee.</p><p>Derek huffed, his eyebrows twitching dangerously.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>The vampire frowned.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Derek glared at him, his eyebrows furrowing in righteous indignation.</p><p>“Nope. No way. I have seen that movie and I just...the level of <em>wrong </em>with that scene is just...nope! No fucking way!”</p><p>“But...”</p><p>The vampire blinked, hastily hiding the latex wolf mask he’d just pulled out of his cape behind his back.</p><p>“But I...you don’t even know what I was going to...”</p><p>“I know <em>exactly </em>what you were going to do!” Derek growled, a hint of fangs threateningly peeking from his lips.</p><p>Across the room, Stiles cleared his throat.</p><p>“He really does know, by the way. Dude, you should have seen his <em>face</em> when the wolf creature showed up in the garden! We had to turn off the movie, he was <em>that</em> offended. He actually didn’t speak to me for three days when I <em>casually </em>suggested that we...”</p><p>“Stiles!” Derek exclaimed exasperatedly and the vampire hissed threateningly, his eyes once again pitch black as he swooped across the room and loomed over Stiles.</p><p>“I have had enough of you!” he declared dramatically and lunged forward, planting his hands on either side of the armchair and glaring at Stiles.</p><p>“Sleep! Sleep now!”</p><p>Stiles stared back, his lips twitching in amusement.</p><p>The vampire growled and glared even harder, leaning forward until his nose was almost touching Stiles’.</p><p>“Sleep! Sleep now! Sleep and be silent forevermore!”</p><p>Stiles shrugged, flashing him an apologetic grin.</p><p>“Sorry dude. Can’t sleep without my pillow. Speaking of pillows, would you mind handing me one of those cushions over there? My butt’s getting a little numb.”</p><p>“Oh for fuck’s sake!”  the vampire cried, stomping over to the table in the corner and returning with a roll of duct tape.</p><p>Stiles snorted.</p><p>“Really dude? <em>Really</em>? Leather, bondage, <em>and </em>duct tape? What’s next? Are you going to abandon your impressive repertoire of Francis Ford Coppola quotes and start referencing <em>Fifty Shades of</em>-umpf!”</p><p>“At last!” the vampire crowed triumphantly, stepping back to admire his work and smirking when Stiles glared in exasperation.</p><p>“Now! Where were we?”</p><p>Derek heaved an exasperated sigh.</p><p>“Alright. Listen. My pack’s going to come rescue us any second now, and while I’m sure that especially Erica and Isaac will be impressed with your methods of shutting up Stiles, they will be <em>significantly</em> less impressed with this whole...whatever <em>this </em>is.”</p><p>He grimaced, letting out a little sneeze when more green smoke puffed up from below the chaise lounge.</p><p>“Can you at least turn off this damned smoke machine? My sinuses are sensitive!”</p><p>The vampire crossed his arms over his chest once more, his expression eerily reminiscent of a cross between a petulant child and a sulky teenager.</p><p>In the distance, a wolf started to howl.</p><p>The vampire perked up immediately, his voice going sultry as he leaned over Derek again.</p><p>“Listen to them – the children of the night! What sweet music they make!”</p><p>Across the room, Stiles muffled a snort under his duct tape.</p><p>Derek smirked.</p><p>“They’re not quite children anymore.”</p><p>“Huh? What do you...”</p><p>The door to the vampire’s lair banged open, followed by the blessedly familiar snarling of Derek’s pack.</p><p>“What took you so long?” Derek huffed, rolling his eyes when the vampire hissed and flung out his arms dramatically as Scott, Erica, Boyd, and Isaac barreled into the room.</p><p>“Sorry. We had to get backup, first,” Scott offered, nodding towards Erica who grinned and flicked her claws, slicing through the ropes that were binding Stiles to the chair and pulling off the duct tape with dramatic flourish.</p><p>“Ouch!” Stiles yelped, grumblingly indignantly when Erica flashed him a devious grin.</p><p>“Back-up?” Derek asked as Boyd and Isaac cautiously approached to free him from his own restraints, raising his voice to be heard above the vampire’s ferocious hissing.</p><p>“What back-up?”</p><p>As if on cue, someone let out a dangerous snarl.</p><p>“<em>KEVIN</em>!”</p><p>The vampire froze and stopped hissing, his head snapping to the shack’s door.</p><p>“Shit! I...I can explain!”</p><p>“Kevin! What the <em>hell </em>do you think you’re doing!”</p><p>A very pale, very elegant, and very pissed off woman had entered the shack, her hands on her hips and her eyes shooting daggers at the vampire, who was now staring at the floor and looking like he was hoping the ground would swallow him whole.</p><p>“I didn’t mean...I just wanted...I thought that...”</p><p>“You thought that <em>kidnapping </em>the Alpha and emissary of this territory while they were getting frozen yoghurt for date night was <em>what</em>? A great idea? A cunning plan? Damn it, Kevin!”</p><p>“.... <em>Kevin</em>?” Stiles asked, his eyebrows rising all the way up to his hairline.</p><p>The two vampires ignored him.</p><p>“Kevin? I’m listening!”</p><p>Kevin scowled at the ground, his hands clenching into fists.</p><p>“They weren’t having <em>date night</em>! He’s the incarnation of my long-lost bride Elisabeta and I...”</p><p>“Are you <em>kidding me</em>!”</p><p>The vampire woman threw her hands up in exasperation, looking as though she was questioning every single one of her eternal life choices.</p><p>“I can’t believe this, Kevin! You’re far too old to <em>still </em>be playing make belief!”</p><p>“<em>Mom</em>! You’re embarrassing me!” the vampire whined, stomping one foot onto the ground and looking more petulant than ever.</p><p>His mother snarled, her eyes flashing red.</p><p>“Embarrassing you? <em>I’m </em>embarrassing <em>you</em>? You’re 350 years old and you’re still living in my basement! Stop spending all day and night watching those horrid movies! Get a damn job!”</p><p>“<em>Mom</em>!” the vampire cried, whirling towards Stiles and shooting him an angry glare when the human let out a bark of laughter.</p><p>“Your mother is right, you know. Just don’t become a professional kidnapper, maybe? Because no offense, dude, but you really suck at that!”</p><p>“I’ll suck on <em>you</em>!” Kevin snarled, lunging forward only to be intercepted mid-way by his mother, who grabbed him by his cape and yanked him back with a dangerous hiss.</p><p>“Ouch! <em>MOM!</em>”</p><p>“You are <em>so </em>grounded, young man!” the vampire lady hissed, shaking him by the scruff of his neck and flashing an apologetic grimace above his head.</p><p>“Alpha Hale, my deepest apologies! I assure you; this will <em>not</em> happen again!”</p><p>Derek frowned, glaring at the younger vampire with open disdain.</p><p>“I will hold you to it,” he replied coldly, massaging the quickly fading rope marks on his wrist and flicking his claws for emphasis.</p><p>“You have my word,” the vampire lady said formally, throwing a last apologetic glance in Stiles’ direction before she turned on her heels and dragged her hissing and protesting offspring out by the ears.</p><p>For a moment, nobody said anything.</p><p>Then, Isaac cleared his throat.</p><p>“Do we want to know?”</p><p>“No!” Derek said immediately, at the same time as Stiles declared “Oh my god, <em>yes</em>!”</p><p>Scott cleared his throat and Boyd raised one eyebrow, bending down to turn off the smoke machine and picking up the red negligee with a little smirk.</p><p>“Uhm. Derek? That yours?”</p><p>Derek placed his hands on his hips and glared and Boyd dropped the negligee like it was on fire, rubbing a hand across his neck.</p><p>“Okay. Cool. Uhm ... we’ll be outside, then?”</p><p>“They <em>could</em> thank us for rescuing them!” Erica snarked, raising her eyebrow at Stiles when the human huffed.</p><p>“It took you <em>five hours</em>!” he griped, narrowing his eyes suspiciously when Scott let out a nervous chuckle.</p><p>“Wait. Why <em>did </em>it take you so long to rescue us? Hold on! Is that <em>chocolate </em>on Isaac’s lip? Did you guys stop for <em>frozen yoghurts </em>before you came to find us?”</p><p>“It was Angelica’s treat!” Scott defended himself, his tongue darting out to hastily clean a trace of fudge from the corners of his mouth.</p><p>“You <em>know </em>I can’t resist when a mom needs to rant! Besides, she assured us that Kevin was completely harmless and has never actually bitten anybody! He just really loves those movies!”</p><p>Derek growled and Stiles clapped his hands, shooting each of them a disappointed look.</p><p>“Pack training tomorrow! At <em>five</em>! Don’t make any afternoon plans either! We’re going to spend all day talking about why we don’t get chocolate fudge frozen yoghurt when our Alpha is held hostage in a fetish porn role-play fantasy!”</p><p>The Betas groaned.</p><p>“We’re sorry, Derek! We’re really sorry!” Isaac tried, hanging his head morosely when Stiles tsked and wagged a finger in front of his face.</p><p>“Nope! Sorry isn’t going to cut it! We’re going to need apology brownies, muffins, and a minimum of forty-eight hours of groveling before we’re ready to forgive you. At least!”</p><p>Derek nodded, stepping up next to Stiles and placing a hand on the small of his back.</p><p>“Go home. We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” he ordered, his eyebrows rising dangerously when Erica opened her mouth to protest.</p><p>“Fine,” Scott sighed, herding the other Betas out the entrance and throwing a last apologetic grimace in Stiles’ direction before the door fell shut behind them.</p><p>Stiles waited until he was sure that the Betas were out of earshot.</p><p>Then, he picked up the red negligee and gently nudged Derek’s shoulder.</p><p>“Remind me – what item on the kink list was this again?”</p><p>Derek sighed.</p><p>Loudly.</p><p>“Fine. But I want one in black!”</p><p>He paused, considering.</p><p>“Get me matching panties, too. <em>And </em>stockings! I definitely deserve some pampering after all this bullshit. I’m warning you though – do <em>not</em> call me your <em>bride</em>!”</p><p>Stiles smiled, taking Derek’s hand and placing a soft kiss just below his wedding ring.</p><p>“I promise,” he said, his smiled widening when Derek let out a satisfied huff.</p><p>“Just so you know though,” Stiles continued, throwing his husband a cheeky grin.</p><p>“You might not technically be my bride, but I’d still cross the oceans of time for you.”</p><p>Derek groaned.</p><p>“Stiles? Sleep. Sleep<em> now</em>!”</p><p>Stiles’ grin widened, his eyes sparkling with mirth as he held up the roll of duct-tape.</p><p>“Well, well, well. What item on the kink list was <em>this </em>again?”</p><p>He was still laughing when Derek tackled him onto the chaise lounge.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As usual, comments and kudos are very much appreciated. </p><p>Stay safe and healthy, my lovelies!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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